Off Trail Post

For a long time I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear because something was taken from me. I couldn’t stand knowing that I was broken and terrified and those people were out there living their lives without a second thought of how they destroyed mine.

I was demoralized. I was shattered. I thought I would never be myself again.

Then one day I had this crazy nonsensical idea of walking 2650 miles along the PCT. Once that crazy ideal was thought of more I started to work towards something again. Myself. Me. My life.

I overcame injury after injury and sickness after sickness on this trail.
I was out there for 5 months. When I got knocked down I got right back up again. I wasn’t just fighting to finish the PCT, I was fighting for my life.

I may have failed to thru hike the PCT this year. But I didn’t fail myself. Because I’m still here and I’m alive and I’m getting ready to come back next year to finish it. I accomplished what I needed this year in my personal goals besides just walking 2650 miles.
After just over 1000 miles I am stronger mentally, physically, more confident, happier, and so much more. My friends and family notice this incredible difference in me, and above all I notice it in me.

Most importantly I’m not afraid anymore. Sure I might be in some fleeting moments, but I am not afraid to live anymore.
I’m mot afraid to hike solo.
I’m not afraid to leave my house.
I’m not afraid to speak out and support other survivors and help others be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I broke down and cried last night and that’s when I was to write this post… finally.
I didn’t cry because I was sad or scared.
I cried because I did it.
I cried because I am so damn proud of myself for doing the damn thing and I can’t wait to see how much stronger I am when I finish next year 💕

I will be back and I will finish what I set out to do.